we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
