you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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