Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize