Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
