I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
