We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
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