Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
