Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
