who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
