dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize