It's like God shit irony all over that family
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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