Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just google imaged poop.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
