you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize