we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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