Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
