I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
