the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
