My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
After last night, I could never be a politician.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
