Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
oh god was she eating orange peels again
You're like the curious george of whores
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
