she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
