it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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