I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
