Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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