im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We don't watch enough power rangers
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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