I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I will be naked everywhere
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
