Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
