the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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