I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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