so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
