Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
