It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
