Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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