I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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