he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Randomize
