I am spending my child support on dildos
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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