This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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