if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
