I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm passing your future prison.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
