I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
This gyro tastes like lonliness
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize