hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
