yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Randomize
