Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
