You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
