tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I want her autograph on my taint
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
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