I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My boob is missing a layer of skin
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
