I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
