My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
