so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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