He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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