The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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