next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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