How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
