i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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