Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
