I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
