Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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