I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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