This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
