I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
